Wednesday, 6 April 2016

22. Turning 22!! Recap of the past year

As I sort of did last year, I, again, want to do a recap about my past year. Because I'm turning 22 today. Which is scary. And ridiculous. To misquote Taylor Swift I am not feeling twenty-two. Whatever that feels like, anyway.
Well, I feel like I'm no where where I need to be. I haven't grown up as much as I should have. Things that happened in my child- and teenagehood still bother me a lot and I feel like I should be done with this now. I'm not.
Mental Health wise I'm better and worse: I'm doing a lot for self-care, which is wonderful, and, which is actually pretty amazing, I haven't had a depressive episode (that lasted longer than two weeks) all year!! I still have depressive moods that last up to two weeks but they're not as bad as they could be. But my anxiety has increased and I'm not sure what to do with that. I went to see a therapist but I didn't feel like I could do the necessary things for him to be able to help me (like talk about actual events that trigger these emotions or go outside with him and point out what's going on inside my head). I'm not sure what I'm gonna do now.
Something good that's happened this year: I've started studying psychology this year!! It's online classes but it's the real deal with a real degree at the end :) I'm so glad I'm doing it and loving it so far!
Making life choices is really hard. I still don't know which dreams to keep and which to give up on. I kind of want to quit studying law. But my parents are against it and I'm not sure if I would regret it if I did actually quit. For my other dreams... Well, it's hard to keep faith. I've written a book which I thought was great, but all it has received is rejection. I've sent in poems, stories, books to competitions and they were all rejected as well. I don't deal well with rejection. At all. Any kind of rejection makes me question my whole being. It's hard to keep writing and to keep sending things in. I love writing but I don't want to keep getting rejected. I also went to quite a few singing auditions this year and none worked out. I didn't know it would be so hard to get a role, even at Uni. I've started thinking that I may be overestimating my singing abilities. Because of all this rejection I've started getting 'the nerves' before any kind of singing in public. I always love singing on stage, no matter what, but before and after are an absolute nightmare. I get incredibly nervous which I never used to do. Waiting is horrible then. And afterwards I over-analyse everything. I've also started crying everytime I sing a song alone in my room. I guess it's because I feel like I have to give up on this dream and it's breaking my heart. It's because I'm alone and no one hears or is interested in what I'm singing. I guess it's because no one cares.
Sorry for all the whining! :O
Lots of good things have happened as well. But a lot of things aren't going the way I want them to. But it's okay. I mean, I'm alive! And I've actually found some kind of love for myself. It helps me fight the dark thoughts and keep depression at bay.

About a year ago I found out I was bisexual. Which makes it sound like I went to the doctor and he was like 'Here are your results! You're... drum roll please... bisexual!' It's not like that. I guess 21 is quite late to realise this fact about yourself (though some people do so a lot later). I suppose I just never dared to really give it much thought. When I was little I didn't know bisexual was a thing so I thought I might be a lesbian, which didn't make sense, either, so I decided I was straight because it fitted my family's world view. I started questioning this a few years back but never really landed on anything. This is partly because I'm actually attracted to very few people and was barely attracted to anyone for years. It's also because I never kissed anyone or had a boy- or girlfriend, which has a lot of reasons (and none of them are that I'm just a horrible person :P) so I thought I didn't have the 'right' to a sexuality at all. Then I thought I might be asexual because of all these things. But I'm not. Soo, yeah :D Not sure you needed to know that :D But I have been dealing with all the issues related to this this past year so it should be in this post. Y' know, homophobia in my family and society, thinking about how to ask a girl out when you have no idea what their sexuality is and don't feel comfortable sharing yours yet, coming out, not coming out, all that stuff. 
But time for some positivity now: I moved to a new town and I was terrified, because there were no flatshares available so I had to get a flat on my own. I was so scared that I was gonna get depressed. But actually, I turn out to be a rather supportive roommate to myself :D :) With all that self-care going on I'm doing okay! Yay! And the town is great. There are lots of lovely people and I've made friends really quickly :) I've also become more optimistic this past year and started seeing things more positively in general. I've also become more what I'd like to call 'emotionally independent'. I used to get attached to 'a best friend' and my entire mental health would rely on them. It hasn't been like this for about five years but how I felt really still depended on what other people did. Of course other people still have the ability to make me feel better, or worse, I mean, that's just completely normal. But over the past year I learned that I could be a friend to myself. I'm the person who gets what's going on inside my head. So I should be the one who's understanding, because I'm the one who does understand. Right? 
Well, anyway. There are a lot of things I did right this year. A lot of happy memories made. A lot of fear and sadness and desperation. But also a lot of love, strength, kindness, and faith, and visits from that thing with feathers. 

Sunday, 20 September 2015

21. Suicide Prevention Month!

It's Suicide Prevention Month! 
A cause for celebration? 
You might not think so, but I do! 
It's where we celebrate the strength and bravery of those of us who struggle (who are, sadly, always more of us than we might think) and still manage to hold on to life for just one more day, or even just one more minute. 
It's to celebrate every conversation about suicide that people are having right now, because this month reminds us of how much we love our family and friends, and how dreadful we would feel if we lost one of them. 
It's a month of encouragement for all the silent sufferers, to speak out, a reminder for all of us that there is not a single person on this earth who isn't cared about. 
It's a cause for celebration for all who've managed to hold on to life, and a scary reminder of all the things they would have missed out on if they hadn't. 
It's a month of gratitude for all the subtle and even bottomless kindness that we have received from family, friends, strangers that may have kept us alive, even if we didn't know it at the time. 
As well as a reminder that one smile or one hug or one word can save a life. 
Most of all, it is a reminder and a month to celebrate that YOU ARE NOT ALONE. That there are people out there who UNDERSTAND and who will take you seriously and who will help you. As well as people who NEED YOU, because you understand and you will take them seriously and you will be able to help them, even if you don't think you can or are helping them.

Wednesday, 12 August 2015

20. Fictional Life Tag!


Today I'm in the mood for something fun! This is going to be the Fictional Life Tag. Thanks to geekygirlonline@blogspot.com for tagging me :)

Not entirely sure, but I'm assuming books and TV shows/films are both okay :)
1. What fictional world would you love to live in?
Okay, if you get this I will love you forever: As a child my favourite book was 'Witch Week' (almost wrote 'Witch Wee', there, sorry. Would have been a very different book) by Diana Wynne Jones. I have now, as an adult (no, I am not ashamed) read most of the other Chrestomanci books. So, as he can travel through worlds, I would love to live with him in his castle and accompany him on his journeys. Sorry,  most people won't get this. Actually, the only book of hers anybody seems to know is 'Howl's Moving Castle', because they made a film out of it. I personally preferred watching 'Archer's Goon' on Youtube (another kids' TV series - don't judge). So, if I can't live with Chrestomanci, I would live in... wait for it...
Hogwarts!
Or in the world of Charlie Bone. I loved the books but I've forgotten most of the names of places in the series, so I'll just have to call it 'the world of Charlie Bone'. Lovely. Basically, anywhere where I can use magic and I can make some questionable friends - I'm happy.

2. What fictional being would you be?

A witch. Any witch, anywhere, always. As a child I hoped and prayed I was really a witch and would discover that at one point - no luck yet. But I'm still hoping...

3. What fictional creature/animal would you keep as a pet?

A flying, talking unicorn! And if I can have two, a tiny talking dragon as well!

4. Who would your fictional mum and dad be?

Can I have Sirius and Lupin not die and have one of them as my dad? Or both of them? They could adopt me and I could find my birth parents on a really mysterious journey...

5. Who would be you fictional brother and sister?
I've thought long and hard about this... I mean, I'd probably take any reasonably kind person. I only have one brother and I wish I had ten brothers and sisters! I would take Emma and Billy from the Charlie Bone series as my siblings if I could be as young as I was when I read it, which was about 12. Because I think Emma's about twelve in the first book and Billy's younger. Also I decided at one point if I ever had a daughter I would name her after this Emma and Rachel's daughter Emma from 'Friends'. I hope she wouldn't mind that :D

6. What Fictional character would you have as your best friend?

The Doctor. Chrestomanci. Luna Lovegood. Hagrid. Snape. Stop me. Somebody stop me.

7. Who would be your close girl friends?

Emma from the Charlie Bone series, Hermione Granger, Luna Lovegood, Ginny Weasley, Phoebe from Friends, Amy from Doctor Who, Phoebe from Charmed, Nan from Witch Week, Momo from 'Momo' by Michael Ende... Mixed age group, but we'll make it work :'D

8. Who would you chose to be your close guy friends?

The Doctor, Chrestomanci, Sirius Black, Severus Snape, Remus Lupin, Cole from Charmed (I know, sorry), Chandler from 'Friends'. Chandler would be quite confused in this group, though. More confused than Phoebe!

9. Who would be your boyfriend/girlfriend?

Difficult one! Phoebe from Charmed, though I'd have to be constantly afraid she'd die... Which can't be easy for any relationship! Luna Lovegood... And I know I had a crush on Carlisle when I read Twilight :D I  know. Strange. Girls and old guys! And Carlisle's REALLY old. But then so's Edward! And Carlisle's much nicer than Edward...

10. What author would write your story?
If Diana Wynne Jones was still alive I'd hope she'd write my story! And turn me into a witch hahaha. Other than that my story's really kind of boring, so whoever writes it better be prepared to lie! But then, stories are the best lies.
I tag everyone who drank a glass of water today =)

Sunday, 26 July 2015

19. Friendships

I'm insanely naive when it comes to friendships. Once we swiftly dance over the threshold between acquaintances and friends, I assume that the friendship is gonna last until we die, or maybe beyond that. I remember talking to some friends, and I think I was the only one in the group who was certain she wanted to have children one day. One of them said: "I wonder what kind of mother you'll be..."
I said: "A good one, I hope. Also, you'll be able to see and make your own judgement."
She looked at me strangely and said: "Well, maybe... If we're still friends..."
I was slightly freaked out by that. For me it was the most natural thing in the world that we would, of course, be friends forever. All those broken friendships of the past were still influencing me daily, but those were things of child- and teenagehood. We were adults now. Surely such a thing couldn't happen between adults? Joke's on me: She left our friend group a month, maybe two months later.

18. UPDATE

A lot of things have happened since my last blog post. I'm not entirely sure why it's been so long. Certainly not for lack of ideas. If anything, I have too many! I guess I've just been a bit busy. And I still owe England a blog post. Because I left England in June!! I miss it!! I'll definitely visit. I would visit now but I have no money :/ 
But good news: I passed my exams over there! :) 
I've also secured an internship in September (in Germany) with a lawyer//two lawyers. They mostly do criminal law and family law, which are the topics I'm most interested in :)
I have to write an experience essay type thing for Erasmus today! We'll see how that goes... You're welcome to give tips :P 

Wednesday, 3 June 2015

17. Answering Random Philosophical Questions for fun

For today's blog post I'm going to attempt to answer ten philosophical questions. I haven't seen any of these before, and I'm going to write my answer right away. Here we go:

1. Why is there something rather than nothing?
In my experience 'nothing' can be A LOT. If you say nothing you're still communicating, if you eat nothing you're communicating, if you have nothing you're communicating, plus you still have you, your thoughts. In a vacuum there's meant to be absolutely nothing. But is that even possible? 'Nothing' is something we have a word for. People say before the universe existed th3ere was nothing. '0' is nothing. But that's not true, is it? '0' means something to us, it means SOMETHING. Nothing MEANS something. If we say: "If I spend this last 5-pound-note I'll have nothing left" we have a concept of what nothing means. Whenever we have a concept of something, it becomes something, at least in our heads. Therefore nothing IS something and cannot exist. At least not in our human brains.

2. Is it worse to fail at something or never attempt it in the first place?
Well, from a law student's point of view, it's certainly worse to fail at something you're doing, rather than never attempting it, because if you only think of doing something and don't share these thoughts there is no crime. From an anxiety sufferer's point of view I would say that it depends on the situation, but for me, personally, I feel absolutely terrible about either. So, sticking with this logic it is a lot worse never to attempt something in the first place because if you do attempt it, the chances of not failing and therefore not feeling terrible are a lot higher than if you never attempt it in the first place - because then you cannot win.

3. What is the meaning of life?
The meaning of life is life itself. Not 'I think, therefore I am', but 'I exist, therefore I am.' The meaning of life is all these instincts we have for survival: Eat, sleep, make friends, love, pee, run, have fun, have new ideas, be creative, have a family, do sports, music, art, religion... All the things that are important to us are the things we need to survive. You might say: "But animals don't have music, or art or religion (that we know of), surely from an evolutionary point of view these would not be needed for survival?" But that's my point. It is not a disadvantage for us that we need more to survive. It gives us the tools to develop further, and, eventually, to evolve.

4. Does God exist?
Two answers to this one: a) We don't know. b) yes. Sorry, atheists! I symphathise! If we include in what exists also what exists inside our heads - and why on earth should we not? The answer is clearly yes. Of course God exists in the heads of some people. If we do not include this, the answer is: We don't know. You want proof? You can have some. People are working there heads off trying to persuade people that there is a God and finding proof. For me, that's no good. We already know that God is not a physical thing in our traditional sense of the world. Physical proof, for me, disregards what God is about. Feelings, community, future... Whatever your religion is about, if it's mainly about physical objects then that's not a religion about God in everyday use of the word. It's not a physical proof thing. Which also makes it difficult to disprove. Which does not help the debate. So: Why can't 'we don't know' be a valid answer to this question? For me it's certainly a valid answer!

5. Is our universe real?
It's as real as we are! And if we're just stories inside someone's dreams - well then we're real inside these stories, inside these dreams.

6. If you could choose just one thing to change about the world, what would it be?
I'd change apathy to empathy, energy and drive.

7. Who am I?
Is that you or me? I don't know who you are, so I'll just say who I am:
I am a person. A complex being who cannot be imagined inside someone else's head without being stereotyped (side note: As we mostly can't help stereotyping people, try stereotyping people with love instead of ignorance and intolerance). I differ from other such persons in multiple ways: I look different, speak different, think different. In a way, I am an alien, and so are all the other individuals. It is impossible to completely understand another person. I can't even understand myself completely. I exist inside people's heads in multiple versions, each slightly, some very different. These little selves inside other people's heads do change. They change with the person whose head they inhabit and they change themselves, too, dipping into forgotten or misremembered memories from time to time. We all have a version of ourselves inside our heads. But it doesn't even come close to what we are. We try to stereotype ourselves but that's bound to fail. We as people are more than we can define. But that has to be okay. You can celebrate every time you find out something new about yourself. You can dip in more deeply into parts of your personality you need to dip in right now. The possibilities are endless. To answer the question: You, and me, are swirls of endless possibilites, with the ability to rearrange patterns, create new ones or even abandon patterns altogether.

8. What is the relationship between body and mind?
One conceals the other.

9. Do we have free will?
Nope. There's no such thing. We are social beings whose actions will always influence others. We know that. We are beings who bring certain genes to the world which they did not get to decide on. We are beings who are raised to fit into stereotypes, raised to be 'easier' for our parents and/or for society to handle, raised to be adults. We did not choose any of this. As long as our decisions affect others and that knowledge in turn affects our decisions we don't have free will. As long as we're pre-programmed by our gene pool we don't have free will. As long as we are raised at all we don't have free will. There's no such thing. But, of course to the extent to which we do possess it, the freedom of choice, which may be limited, but be our choice and not a random other person's, is one of the most important things to be granted and protected in the world.

10. To what extent do we shape our own destiny and how much of it is up to fate?
I don't believe in fate. Or in destiny. I believe in lucky and unlucky coincidences. These can be random. All we can do is stay positive and work hard and not lose hope. For I do, very much, believe in the power of hope.

Sunday, 31 May 2015

16. My Dream Story so far

No triggers. 

Like Carrie says in her book, dreams can change, and develop over time. At thirteen, my main dream was to have friends again, which, happily, I have achieved. As a little girl I wanted to be a writer (a novelist), but as I grew older and didn't read much anymore, that dream began hiding at the back of my head. At 14, 15 I really wanted to be a singer. My plan was to go to a German Talent Show once I turned 16. Why that didn't happen, you can read in one of my other blog posts. It's probably good that I didn't. I wouldn't have fitted in at all. But I still had the dream of becoming a singer. I began writing little 2 minute songs with my guitar at 15, which turned into 6 minute songs at 16. At the moment, I actually mostly write songs which are 3-4 minutes long, yay me :D But I also started wanting to be a lawyer at age 14 (or even 13?), because I was watching WAY too many german court shows after school. The topic really did interest me, the amateur acting could be hilarious, and I might have had a slight crush on some of the lawyers. But that dream slowly faded, and I no longer saw it as a dream, but as a possible option, when I turned 18 and actually had to choose what to study. My main dream was still to become a singer, and be in a musical (which I had developed a love for when my class went to see 'On the Town' when I was 14 or 15. I absolutely fell in love with this musical but also with the entire musical world! I sure wasn't expecting that from a school trip!). But my parents were very clear that music was a hobby, not a profession for me. I still could have persued it, but the truth is, I needed to find my own way, anyway. I didn't want to be like the other singers. I didn't want to be made into something I'm not. Soo I will somehow still try to become a singer, on my own terms. Mainly, I just want to sing. The dream of becoming an author reappeared some years ago when I started writing again and actually completed writing my first little book! This was still when I thought that the hardest part was finishing a book, rather than getting someone to publish it!
Right now I have three career dreams: Become a singer, become a writer and help people. I want to finish my law degree and get a psychology degree as well in order to gain access to jobs in which I can help people overcome really difficult situations. Soo actually I'm persuing four careers at the moment. This is my dream story. What's yours?