25. Turning 24

My 24th birthday was recently.
I'm old now.

It's interesting to compare what I wrote on my 22nd birthday to how my life is now. It's certainly better. Mainly due to the medication that I take for my social anxiety disorder. People say that taking meds for mental illness changes your personality. In my experience, it really doesn't. Instead, it enables your personality, or the personality you had before mental illness threw it in a hole and buried it, to come forth. Have I changed? Of course I have. But, if anything, I'm more me than I've been for about 15 years. Meds are complicated, and they're not for everyone, but not a day goes by that I'm not incredibly grateful for their existence. 

Living alone has been a challenge. Also, the friends I talked about in the post two years ago have mostly disapparated, except for one. I made some new ones, but having a healthy social life remains a challenge. I don't like alcohol. Or drugs. Or smoking. I don't like parties where you're supposed to get drunk. I don't like music that isn't really music, but that is less melodious than when I repeatedly beat my head against a table. And I especially don't like LOUD music, or LOUD people who keep screaming random things near my ear for no apparent reason. What I look for is a small group of friends who 'get' me. Who won't try to change me. And who I feel I don't have to change for. And I have some of those. Which is great. But I'm still not content. Which is ungrateful. I suppose what I feel is missing are one to two people:
Firstly: Some love! Would be nice. I'm difficult, though. I need someone who can handle me at my most complicated, which is a challenge.
Secondly: Someone who can handle when I talk about my mental illnesses, and, at the same time, someone who isn't a lot worse off than me in that aspect. A lot of people can handle my mental illnesses, but only because theirs are worse. Which I'm game for, I'm a good listener, and I love to help, but as to this person I am specifically looking for: They're not it. I need someone who doesn't freak out at what I say when I'm not even touching the surface of the depth of my mental health issues. And at the same time someone who doesn't laugh at the comparative smallness of my issues, saying: 'That's nothing, I...'
I have some people online who can be that second person, and that's wonderful and helpful, and I don't want to diminish it. But sometimes you need someone to be able to come over. Sometimes a girl needs a real hug. 

Living alone, for me, also isn't exactly a real option. If I'm alone for too long, all my energy goes down the drain. Anxiety and depression prey on me. It ain't pretty. So I'm currently considering moving back in with my parents. Which is not ideal. But I'm not sure what else to do. The next couple of semesters will be filled with online university, so I don't really need to live anywhere specific. And it seems strange to just throw a dart at a map and hope it doesn't land anywhere expensive. 

I did start online dating this year. I met a couple of guys and had my first official date with a girl. I was so nervous, people. I'm not even sure why. The whole point of my bisexuality is that I don't give a crap over people's gender(s). But I guess, maybe, this hasn't been entirely true lately. I've been attracted to girls more. I am, of course, still bi, but I'm not at the 50/50 anymore, like I used to be. Well. Sexuality is fluid. I'm just gonna have to go with its flow, I s'ppose. 

The main thing I'm doing this year is one thing: Study. I have my (finally!) final law exams in either May or June (yes. I wish I knew which one. This is not ideal. The fact that I don't know if I still have one or two months to prepare is freaking me out). Final law exams are ridiculous in Germany. Basically, you have to know everything you learned over five years. Most people take 1 to two years to prepare. I decided to take 6 months. Because I am mildly insane. Which is a good thing, I hear. I'm also doing four psychology exams in September. Which is double the work of a normal, full-time semester. And  I'll be having my oral exam for Law in either October or November. I'm studying nine hours almost every day. I used to be lazy when it came to school. I'm not lazy anymore. Just mildly insane. Which is a good thing, I hear. I guess I'm kind of glad that it's this insane amount of work. I don't feel bad or worried about it. I actually kind of like it. I'm one of those strange people who don't really worry about the actual exams too much. Which is not to say that I don't worry. But I mostly worry about being late, not finding the room, not being on the list, and so on. These things cause me intense panic on the day of and the days just before the exam. Once I'm actually seated, with the exam in hand, allowed to begin, I sigh with relief. 

This blog post isn't really all that structured, but I don't mind. I think it's good for me to write posts like this one once in a while. To gain a bit of perspective. And it's nice to look back and see how I've changed, and how my life has changed.